So, I've been working on finding the real me for a long time and on caring about the real me when I find her. I've also been concentrating on not entertaining the old feelings and letting the newer, better feelings about myself and life come to the surface.
The other day, I realized that for the first time in my life, I am genuine and satisfyingly happy. I don't know if I could ever say that at any other point in my life. And when I realized that I am happy, I realized it's because I like myself. I've become a genuinely nice person, and I can see that I am. When I realized that I'm a nice person, it hit me why, over the years, I did not like myself. And it was because I identified with the hurt inside me and my reaction to it, rather than identifying with the true me. I saw the anger and the pain, the unforgiveness I had for years (and don't anymore) and the resentment I felt for a long time (but don't anymore). And I so totally identified with the negative aspects of my feelings rather than the positive aspects of my self. And for that reason, I found myself unlovable and unlikeable much of the time, or in certain areas of my life. It's not like I ran around hating myself all the time because I didn't. There are degrees in all things. But sometimes I just didn't feel so good about myself, no matter what good I did or what good I felt. It all seemed negative to me.
And now? I am experiencing myself as a kind and gentle person, not the warrior I used to be. I used to love a good fight. I liked getting a subtle form of revenge on people who hurt me. I don't do that anymore. Nothing like doing good things to produce good feelings. Right?
Anyway, it seemed profound.
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